Home
For Stephanie   
08:18pm 25/10/2009
  down these beaten paths we go,
suffocating in our blankets of woe,
being propelled by the hammering on our backs by the winds that blow,
wishing we could take back that row,
but then how would we ever grow?
how would we come to possess the needle and thread needed to sew,
ourselves back to normal, and even though the task is slow,
you'll have a much brighter you to show.
Getting drunk off one another, while the lights flicker from the heat,
don't feel like we're living if we can't hear another persons heart beat,
but the gravy is a privilege only in ourselves can we find the meat.
To have an escape is such a wonderful treat,
hiding under covers you lose the feeling of pavement under your feet,
but we're addicted to the sheets because they offer us a different form of release,
infatuated with the scent of skin and fleece,
nothing seems to matter when our heart rates increase,
but where do we turn when it's the end of our lease?
The sun in the trees turns ugly, disguised by our ego as being trite,
and salvation is right there waiting for us, but we've been held so much we forgot how to fight.
Oh and how the darkness of the night does bite,
when there's no one around who might caress your skin with loving care or smell your hair, or hold you up against their perfect light.
We are governed by fright, and it seems to be an unparalleled height,
to be alone and to try to find something inside yourself that will give your spirit flight.
Offer yourself all that is pure, let your blood flow through you in rivers of white.
I know loved lost is not at all slight, we lost sight when we decided to give it the right to take from us everything we've ever known.
You didn't go through this life as skin and bones without the courage to spread your wings alone.
And I know how hard these winds have blown, but nows a time to shed your tattered blanket and go head first into the gust.
There is almost nothing more powerful than the loss we feel after lust, but into this new path you must be thrust,
Or else you'll not be a girl alone, or a woman scorned, on the path of life you'll just be another clump of dust.		  
     Post
 
   
01:29pm 08/10/2009
 
mood: enraged
music: florence and the machine - cosmic love
two bodies made of perfection but only inside one's chest hides my heart.
whos perfect hands will be the start of me, but will inevitably be my end.
I like to pretend, that I am worth more than the sum of my parts,
but my morals tend to blend when we're lying in bed as my brain and my body willingly part.
In the morning I will cart off my worthless hide for you to all eat,
living with the damage I've done to my ego is not a small feat.
But it's hard to not sacrifice myself when they all want my meat.
Hard to put up with the ice of loneliness when I am so addicted to others heat.
I'm the only one I always cheat, because lips move too fast and too publicly for me to hide this defeat.
Desperate cries drip from me as my past wrongs swim into view.
My body goes numb as you continue to chew, and my resistances can't fight you off because I have left room for too few.
I see through you, but that still doesn't make me anything more than a woman you can screw,
nothing more than a few body parts that in a short time will all be strewn,
in this darkened place where no mystery remains, the place that I used to call my room.
But I can't complain, as I open up to all who try to enter.
I am the equipment, you are the renter.
Where is my strength, where is my center?
I don't want to present her, but the part of me that wants your body is so hard to conceal.
In the glaring sun these pictures of myself seem more real, and I can't help but circle around in my head,
all the times that I've stood, compared to the times that I've willingly kneeled.
And I think, no wonder I seem to be everyone's favourite meal.
Not hard to strip off this peel.
But what does this make me, a woman empowered or an animal obscene?
Yeah I'm the queen of bad decisions and the star of this tragedy, this heartbreaking scene.
And at the end of the show, after the curtain has fallen and the 3 star reviews come in, I can't lose this character I have just been.
And I don't want you to ever stop eating me, because I'm addicted to this lust routine.		  
     Post
 
   
02:02pm 04/10/2009
 
mood: guilty
music: Brand New - Bed
hold me in the space where I lay,
My muscles won't react with my brain today, I am my guilty conscience's prey.
I wish I had others perfections, their protections, they're undying affections,
instead of temporary relief, love dosed minutely into sections.
Yeah, I've got a huge collection of lovers old and new,
I seem to always bite off more than I can chew,
and yet, never enough.
In the twisted frame works of my mind I'm stuck,
and I feel as if I've given into my demons for so long that the angel inside me is shit out of luck.
No use clawing your way out of the muck in my soul,
Because eventually I'll just leave you because I feel confined from your hold.
I'll think it's my freedom you stole, but you and I both know,
that I don't feel very free when I am cold and alone.
I've refused to share this throne, and for that I am destined to be overthrown,
by my own unwillingness to give myself to someone good,
instead of those with hearts of stone.
After everything I've learned I have not grown.		  
     Post
 
basement lullabies   
09:08pm 01/10/2009
 
mood: anxious
music: girl with one eye - florence and the machine
I am not whole. I left me,
But I can't say I wasn't prepared.
I thrust this knife in and twisted with a grin,
within this personal battle no innocence was spared.
The repercussions of my actions blindingly glared,
as the terrified child inside of me froze and stared.
Oh what she wouldn't give to have a heart that never cared.
My soul is shaking, it is alone and impaired.

The serpent coils around me and licks all my wounds,
He tells me I look so confident for someone who is doomed.
So put together, so nicely groomed.
He said I wear the clothes of a temptress that are used to swoon.
And that I embody the smile of the sun but the loneliness of the moon.
The comfort of a home, but upon entering you only find empty rooms.
A beautiful choir all singing out of tune.

He tells me I'm his angel and I should follow his every whim,
he leads me to a bedroom because the light is getting dim,
as everything around and inside of me grows more and more grim.

I stare temptation in the face as warning signs start to trigger,
But I can't stay standing still because this thirst is getting bigger.
From all of the regret this will cause I will be the worlds best digger.

The serpent squeezes tighter around me as I go into a trance.
What kind of a fool would I be to refuse this last dance?
What a bad idea to mix common sense with romance.		  
     Post
 
No Sunlight   
02:25am 29/09/2009
 
mood: tired
music: Death Cab For Cutie - No Sunlight
you appear in full blown colour as you glide across the room,
When I look at your beautiful form you become a flower in full bloom.
You are a tantalizing apparition that is destined to doom.
you don't even need to move an inch to sweep me off my feet with your broom.

The smell of freedom drips onto me from your skin,
and I touch it and day dream about us partaking in all kinds of sin.
By the day my strength grows deathly thin,
just give me the go ahead and I wont hesitate to let you in.

The sunlight across your chest sends shivers down my spine,
These sensations are nothing compared to when we are entwined.
With your body next to my own, I forget all of life's problems and am blissfully blind,
as I willingly let your very essence take hold of my mind.
It's too bad I can't keep you,
can never call you mine.

As my tongue twists in it's ache to savour the taste of yours,
common sense and reasoning are sailing up to my shores.
But I can't seem to let them in, to my brain I've closed all doors.
I'm not ready to wage these old wars.
Not ready to open up what I thought were healed sores.

So now I am standing at the precipice looking back at what I once thought was my heart.
The salt sheds from my arms and legs as the regret slowly starts.
To start a new beginning from a previous end was never very smart,
But I've got self inflicted heartbreak down to an art.		  
     Post
 
   
12:29am 14/09/2009
 
mood: amused
The wolves sit hunched on my bedroom floor,
surrounded in the devoured clothes that I only just wore.
Every time they feast on me there's less and less gore.
They hungrily await for me to moan I want more,
it's so hard to pretend that with this hunt I'm not bored,
Do you think if I told you my intentions it would strike within you the wrong chord?
I won the game, I only made you think you scored.

Don't try to impress me with the glamour of this town,
It's not the glitter and gold and the sensation of skin that keeps me around.
I hope in your own ego you choke and drown.

You can't fall asleep at night being held by your crown.		  
     Post
 
   
08:55pm 03/09/2009
 
music: ryan adams - dont ask for the water
Don't Ask For The Water lyrics

I hate this old place
And what it represents
And I hate who I was
And who I ended up since
But if you learned how to swim in case you'd drowned

Don't ask her for the water
Cause she'll swallow you down

And she's ten miles of peace
And the hardest of nights
And her belfry's got arch
But her rooftops all right
But down here in the sewer
I'm smelling a rat

Don't ask her for the Whiskey
Cause her waters all that

And what horses we rode
Through what somber fields
With our lovers at war
And the dust on their heels
And the infidels screamed, "it's all but a lie"

Don't ask her for the water,
Cause she'll teach you to cry
Don't ask her for the water
Cause she'll teach you to cry

And her weapon of choice is a red-patterned dress
And a sac full of stones
With her hands on her chest
And a book full of quotes
And a tight fastened lip

Don't ask her for the water
Cause you'll sink like a ship
Don't ask her for the water
Cause you'll sink like a ship		  
     Post
 
alcoholics anonymous   
02:50pm 26/07/2009
 
mood: depressed
music: Matt Hires - Turn The Page
How long have I been gone?
A year?
A month?
A night or two?
I've descended down into this cold black muck and abandoned a sky of blue.

How long was I intending to stay?
Did I ever want to make a plan?
Or was it thrusted upon me by others who said "its safer to be caged if you can."

How long ago did I get here?
the moment I saw your beautiful angels face.
But now my conscience rips at me when I look at your eyes, your lips.
It beats at me with it's greedy palm and it's cold hard mace.
Remember when your skin glided across my wounds, as soft and fragile as lace?

How long have you noticed?
That my fingers lost their impulse to touch.
Oh, combined with a drink and the silence to think this remorse weighs way too much.

How do I go on from here?
The pathway to euphoria is not at all clear.
Every road I take leads to both laughter and fear.
You are the headlights.
I am the deer.

How do I say goodbye?
When none of it is good and it feels like a lie.
When without your chest heaving beside me I'd much rather die,
than to brave life's slings and arrows and really want to survive.

How long have I been sorry?
Since I wickedly came out of the womb.
A pretty child with a demon in tow,
and from her many rivers of evil did flow.
With one thought she'd kill you with her insensitive blow.

I love you so.
And I love myself and therefore I must go.
Carrying my broken bones off to the fields to reap what I sow.
I miss the scent of your skin and tickling your toes.
But our innocence has left us.
I want your eyes to restore their mesmerizing glow.
Please forgive my rotten heart,
but this is the end of the show.		  
     Post
 
   
11:05am 27/03/2009
 
mood: angry
music: uh huh her - say so
I saunter up to your light,
so unworthy is my flesh to yours,
peek in through your curtains,
only to find all the windows are closed doors,
and all the open sky has been replaced with hard concrete floors.
Stuck in this cold chamber surrounded by my personal wars.		  
     Post
 
   
11:41pm 15/03/2009
 
mood: peaceful
music: Lion In A Coma - Animal Collective
your existence shines so bright.
jewels of colour fill your pores, leak into mine.
After seeing your insides I thought I'd be blind.
too much light.

hey,
lets talk into each others skin all night,
and imagine what animals we were in a past life.
You will wash away everyone elses colour's until they're dull and trite.

as I hold you,
your spine against my chest is shifting.
In that eternal hour glass the sands are sifting.
but should it matter while we are drifting off to dream of one another?
Immortality under covers.
I think that we are like ancient lovers.
Each others bodies and minds we're committed to discover,
from this sickness I cant and don't want to recover.

Lets wake up early tomorrow to catch the sun
while we water our love tree.
Lets dance in the mud and embrace this bliss.
It is ours, it is free.
How can you love a monster like me?
your embrace heals every scar that's hidden eternally.

Please try to not let your colours leave my being.
It feels so good that the darkness is fleeing.


You make it worthwhile to keep breathing.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
the lake   
01:25am 03/02/2009
 
mood: optimistic
I see you, truck driver, once a week or so,
And up your driveway you never go slow.
Pumped full of blood, your veins coursing with life,
Cant wait to get home to lay next to your wife.
And I hope that you’re faithful and I hope that your thoughts are pure,
I hope that you hold her in your arms, and all the while knowing that you’re sure,
that man kind is not defeated.
I felt it all around, inside me, by the fireplace where we were seated.
All the negative thoughts receded.
All my impulses of being free were not heeded,
As we swayed in the night to the rhythm, that in our souls was so softly kneaded.
I am seaweed. You are seaweed. We have all been perfect since the beginning of time.
Lets sway in the air to the secret tunes of the earth, let our souls finally feel sublime.
Lets not let the string slip through our fingers, lets remember to be real before the end of our prime.
Our souls are so in sync, staring down at the sink, buying another round to drink,
And these wooded walls keep safe all the words we say, as well as the things we only think.
Because we breathe life into each other, as if we were the most precious beings,
The beautiful animals.
We are no longer grabbing onto apron strings.
And doesn’t it feel great to see the naked souls?
Finally found a sweater with big enough arm holes,
Getting relief from the pain on our heels, our soles.
These are our roles.
Protector and saviour. Sacrifice your humility, your ego, your “precious” reputation,
Excitedly put our exteriors back together like stone mason.
We are hungry for questions no answers are asked,
Because only mystery is worth us becoming unmasked.
And we’re not just ghosts placed on the timeline of eternity,
Because we feel so much in the air that we breathe,
And are raked with the temptation to dance so awfully.
Ourselves bare, know no boundaries.
Get out of this superficial lifestyle, are you ready? It’s a jailbreak.
Keep running. We can feel it, it’s surrounding us. Frozen Freedom. It won’t break.		  
     Post
 
All that is left   
08:57pm 28/01/2009
 
mood: determined
music: Say it to me now - Glen Hansard
I am truly alone now in this pursuit
As I am pulling my hair out and draining my sink filled with wrongs
Why am I mourning the loss of something that I hated for so long?
-
You told me you loved me, and I felt complete
Hearing those words emerge from your lips felt like the most restful sleep.
But my dreams are torturing me,
Everytime I fall asleep at night.
They grab at me with their powerful hands and try to keep me unconscious,
Maybe it’s a sign?
We are not ready for you and I
Just as a baby may shut their eyes at their first look at the bright blue sky,
Until they realize that they’ll never see anything more beautiful until the day they die.
And is it a crime,
To want to be heard and seen as something beautiful,
To those who never give me the time?
Because I try. I try. I try.
But I always go to sleep holding my mickey of rye.
I am unlovable, I am despised
Because sometimes the power of my heart is weakened by the urge between my thighs.
What I’ve become is such a surprise, to who I wanted to be.
Sometimes I’m more like a child it seems,
Can’t even get myself out of bed to face the challenges each day brings
But these short twenty years feel like a lifetime of misery,
Especially when I’ve layed with so many,
Who refuse to lay a longer while with me.
I want to scream and yell and beg for respect,
But my voice will never reach their ears,
Drown myself out with cigarettes and beers,
Until even my objectified self disappears.
I think of myself as a full glass left over from a party.
Sitting on the table, murky and stained with fingerprints as my label,
My contents no longer clear.
Just waiting for someone to drink me,
But this party's been over for years.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
College Life.   
10:52pm 10/01/2009
 
mood: crushed
You are the wolf.
I am the sheep.
Why did society deem YOU to herd me?

I see the way you look at me when you walk down the hall,
knowing that you could do whatever you wanted,
and never having to take the fall.

I am ashamed that I held you so high,
and allowed you to determine my worth.
But I've been handed this position,
ever since the doctor held me up at birth.

You rape me of my independence, my morals,
and even my right to free speech.
Though others of my kind claim to be in control,
you're the one thing that makes us all weak.

Everything I've ever done is to please you,
appeal to you, even if it meant losing my self-respect.
And everytime you spat on me with your poison tongue,
yeah, even when you held me, it was a slow death.

It makes me weep, to think of all the hours I've wasted,
in front of mirrors and under sheets,
in hopes that your expectations I'll someday meet.
But I'm consistently drowning in "self"-defeat.

Now I choke under the weight of my own misguided decisions,
and try to determine the parts of my self-esteem that need immediate revisions.

Believe me, I am not who you think I am.
Your opinions of all of us are wrong.
We are not toys to use and abuse,
whom you can callously string along.

Over mud paths, then across white sheets I was baited.
You then looked down at me and with a shake of your head you whispered,
"look at the mess that you've created."

But you have to believe I'm elated now,
in the war of the sex's you no longer wear the crown.
I will beat your army down,
until theres nothing left of my mud path on the ground.

What a cruel world our ancestors left for me and my kind today,
A world in which theres never a price that a man has to pay.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
01:52pm 03/01/2009
 
mood: hyper
music: Animal Collective - turn into something
Neutral Milk Hotel - Gardenhead


There are beads that wrap
Around your knees that crackle into the dark
Like a walk in the park like a hole in your head
Like the feeling you get when you realize you're dead
This time we ride roller coasters into the ocean
We feel no emotion as we spiral down to the world
And I guess it's worth your time
Because there's some lives you live
And some you leave behind
It gets hard to explain
The gardenhead knows my name

Leave me alone, for you know this isn't the first time
In fact this is twice in a row
That the angels have slipped through our landslide
And filled up our garden with snow
And I don't wish to taste of your insides
Or to call out your name through my phone
For the glory boys at your bedside will love you
As long as you're something to own

Follow me through a city of frost covered angels
I swear I have nothing to prove
I just want to dance in your tangles
To give me some reason to move
But to take on the world at all angles
Requires a strength I can't use
So I'll meet you up high in your anger
Of all that is hoping and waiting for you		  
     Post
 
ants capture slaves   
09:33pm 20/11/2008
 
mood: artistic
music: bon iver - flume
I can feel my heart pounding.
And the sound is resounding,
In this bed filled with nightmares where I lay.
I thought you were mine to claim.
But my only possession is my imagination now,
Where over my emotions you stroke tenderly, not plow
Like an animal who’s thirsty for a new kind of chow.
Wow, these walls are bending so far down,
In this ghost of a town.
Tonight, in dry wall, I surely will drown
And everyone tells me I have to amount,
To the stars in the sky and the mountains I can’t surmount.
So here’s my short account
As I lay here wasted,
Crowded In my one person body count,
Desperate for someone to hear my silent shout.
I went to a place where Jesus heard my thoughts
And I felt so out of place amongst this pure, sacred lot
Then around my hands, magnetized ready to pray, I tied a knot,
And said, I want someone to hear me that I can touch with my hands
Who will sit with me in thunderstorms watching the violent sea, on hot sands.
Who will stay calm and peaceful after viewing the dementia of our existence,
And assure me that after all this it’s still worth going the distance.
Because I don’t know.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
12:46am 17/11/2008
 
mood: depressed
music: Bon Iver - skinny love
You are the secret I've tucked away in my sheets.
You are the reason I am never complete,
until I feel your warmth inside me I am never at peace.
You are the reason I make money,
and my incentive to get through the week.
You make my actions, thoughts, and words so bold,
and you don't even know how to speak.
Your power is alarming, but I am never scared,
because I know you better than I know myself from all the nights we've shared.
You create an alternate universe for me,
a reality all my own.
You take me to the most fascinating places, especially when we are alone.
The pleasure I've felt with you by my side is something I can't recreate.
You make me lose all inhibitions and make me fall in love with those I should hate.
Nothing can replace you dear friend,
while others may come and go.
You have seen me at my greatest and my worst,
you never seem to miss a show.
How can I possibly abandon you, when we've become so terribly close?
It's almost too much to bear, without you I've lost all ability to think.
The monster that is you, swallowed me instead.
I. Am. The. Drink.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
awakening   
12:20am 12/11/2008
 
mood: indescribable
I was so thirsty for change today that it shriveled up my kidneys
Have you ever felt that?
I feel like an owl, I can see what I want even through the darkness
My target is in sight
I swoop in,
I take it.
And it is mine.
The last thing you’ll hear is rushing wings.
An angel in flight, and the last thing you’ll see is the white of my feathers as they kiss your cheek.
Desperation is a cruel mistress,
That I have bowed to for too long
And I thought she was treating me right,
Until I realized that all the seeds I was planting never grew.
Not enough water.
We can never have enough water to cleanse our soul.
So now that the sun has set, and I have taken a stand to desires that once drove the engine of my actions,
I say goodbye.
And I hope that life’s wonderful light always shines through and out of your heart.
You weren’t ready for me, I wasn’t ready for me.
And it is all forgiven.
Sometimes it’s hard to recognize what is real in this crazy world when your fantasy takes hold of your sanity.
This is reality.
This is my life as it is now,
sometimes we get what we rightfully need in life, even if we think we deserve otherwise.
Time to grow.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
story of the one night stand.   
12:15am 10/11/2008
 
mood: tired
music: money maker- the color of your blues
The oils from your sweat are absorbed into me
Eternally binding.
The memory of pleasure should last a lifetime.
Sorrow visited me today,
With her dispassionate face.
Taking away my once joyful disposition,
from this hell hole of a place.
She sits across from me now, controlling my every movement, my every thought.
Making herself known every second,
as if my life is time that she has bought.
My hands ache from the memory of your body.
My fingers keep trying to find a similar softness, a familiar texture
But nothing substitutes for your flesh on my fingertips.
I am sitting here trying to play a violin without strings.
I can’t stomach the emptiness each new second brings.
I don’t like this position of no control
I said I would never let my heart go out wandering without my brain
You snatched it right out of my chest before I even found the time to say “no”.
This night is quiet, like the calm before the storm.
I have to get out now. I have to get out.
But my heart will not be warned.
It sings to me so sadly because it’s alone, afraid, and cold.
I regret this decision to become so bold.
The rain sprinkling on my face is the closest thing to you
The relief and cleanse I feel from it,
it holds the promise of something new.
I held your face in my hands and I looked into your being,
And I saw something within you that I had never seen
I saw myself as an angel with the brightest smile,
And I laughed in a certain way that I hadn’t done since I was a child.
Now all that’s left is the echo of a different kind of laugh.
Sorrow is mocking me in its cruel, stiff, straight-faced dance.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
12:15am 08/11/2008
 
mood: determined
such a fool was I, stuck in this plight.
I thought that I was free of my chains, but I had never taken flight.

I never noticed how beautiful the sunset was when I was walking all alone,
or the importance of surrounding yourself with the ones you love,
and the peace of a quiet night at home.

I thought that I deserved more, but I had a self-centered kind of soul,
and only in my dreams did I posess the kind of heart I'm now beginning to know.

The birds they sing sweet songs to me in the morning when I wake.
They welcome me to a new world and a chance to seize the day.

I've felt like a failure for the longest time,
but realized it wasn't the world that was disappointing me, but my distorted peace of mind.

How do the birds rejoice each morning when the sun's first beams pierce the sky?
Because they've found a treasure so rare that I'm only now starting to find.

I thought that I had toiled and I thought that I had sweat.
But I haven't put enough into life to get what I want out of it yet.

The wasted nights are my only regret.

The new light inside of me is beginning to pay off my debt.

In each of us there is a forest with a clear sober stream,
full of all the beautiful things we want if we take a dip and dream.		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
   
03:59pm 04/11/2008
 
mood: depressed
music: acid tongue - jenny lewis
when this is all over I can finally start breathing again.

Stuck.
Like a three car pile up on a busy highway. Why does everyone progress in their relationship but me?

Who do I have to be? Someone with the same interests? Someone smarter, someone skinnier? Someone with a different past?

The sun keeps setting and rising. The leafs turn brown and prepare for their graceful dance of death into the earth.

But I stay the same.
I do not change.
Same play as least year, but the players names have changed. The audience already knows how this ends.
Me, defeated, asking what I did wrong.
Sinking to the depths then clawing like hell to get back out again. I ask myself, what did I learn? If life lessons are put in place to teach us to be better people, why have I neither grown nor regressed?
On the subway of life I've memorized all the stops and always pick the same cart, the same seat, with the same narrow unchanging view. We're all travelling at the same pace but everyday when I get off to go home, I feel like we never left the station. How odd is it that months have gone by and I am the same person? Who is this girl inside me that rejects personal growth and how can I stop her?
My autobiography has been stuck on January 2008 for 10 months. Who am I that see's weaknesses in others and tells them that they deserve better than the life they lead? Who am I to beg for my country, and other countries to change their ideals when I can't change anything inside me?

I am the president who swears change but never delivers.

I am the person who gets risen up and beaten down and used and abused and admired.
But inside there is a little girl too afraid to stand up for anything and is willingly watching the deterioration of my soul.		  
     Post
 
 
tiny_teeny
 
 
skip  
 
 

Advertisement